SOMETIMES..

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Sometimes I wonder why am even here..
Why i even stayed..
Why I even bothered..
Well…No…
I stayed because I loved…
But really it hurts when it feels like you are the only one here…
In it..
In this…
Just one sided..
And that’s just wrong..
I miss it.
I miss all of it.
The good times…
The happy times..
When I was happy..
When I was trully happy…

The first time..
When we first met..
You were so on fleek. .
It was so crazy they were you swept me off my feet…
The way you made sure I was it..
And made me feel nothing like shit. ..
But now that’s how I really do feel..
Exactly like that…SHIT!!!
I never get jealous…
But now I am..
I look around me..
I see..everyone flaunting their hers and their his..
And mine never even cares about what’s his..
I never get to feel that joy I see..

Lovebirds walking hand and hand basking in the serene beauty of nature..
And go away..just like them…just Steal away on the weekend just because you want us to be ..away from the peering eyes and just two of us under the skies..
I never get to blush when I see others do..When their hers have them flaunted on their profile and say something equally nice..
You never really gave me such little heavens..
I miss those…
No..
I want those..

I never felt it for once because you never allowed me to..
Those beautiful moments that should spice up our love it’s gone or never there..
What happened to us..
What happened to our love..
What happened to my smiles..
I want you so bad that I feel choked just wishing for it as though am fighting for my daily breath  ..
I want to scream while you push me on the swing..
I want to smile while you look at me across the room as though  you heard my heart call out to you…
I want to look into your eyes and you see right into my soul..
I want us to talk and finish each other’s sentences as though it’s as natural as anything..
I want to go away for a day or hours and have you call me like a couple of times just to check up on me or say you miss me..

I want you to tell me about your day even if it’s something silly…
I want you to point at me at the corner of the room while you are with your friends saying. ..”That’s my baby girl right there and I love her like crazy”.. even when am completely unaware and probably having a goofy face on while playing with the kids and laughing like crazy..
I want us to do silly and naughty things together..
I want to know you inside and out..
And for you to love me even beneath my beautiful..
I want to be able to love you like I do without regrets..

Remorse .
Or limitations.
Unconditionally
Unapologetically
And selflessly..
And wholeheartedly. .
Shit… I just want to love you and that’s it.
But at thesame time..
I don’t want to be loving you..
Alone!!
Because that’s the most fucked up thing ever..
Being in a relationship where you feel alone…that’s just the worst..
And that’s how I feel..

I can’t just call you the way I want anymore
I can’t just can’t be with you the way I always loved too..
I just can’t be happy with you the way I always was happy with you..
All because you make me feel this way..
Why?
Because you started withdrawing first..
And making me feel worse for wear..

And it fucking hurts because I love you so much…I fucking swear..
Sometimes..
I wish everyday was just fine..
And you would love me too…just as I do..but only  this time you do it just right.
Sometimes….